Two Years and Counting

This post is probably one of my more serious ones that I’ve had in a long time. And I just want to clarify, since I’m sure you already know, but I’m a very private person. I’m not sure if that is because of my up bringing or some personal pride or a combination of the two, but it is what it is. I want to become more open and help others by sharing my own personal struggles and heartaches. I truly admire those women who can share such things with their friends and family. And for this reason and a few others, I simply feel prompted to open up and share what has been going on in my life for the past two years. Thankfully, I know that those reading are so supportive and sensitive to my feelings, but know that this is still hard to share. I wouldn’t want this to become ‘TOO common’ of knowledge around work, church, or where ever. I love and trust you.

Probably the best place to start is at the beginning, which reminds me of a song from the sound of music:

“Let’s start at the very beginning, A very good place to start…”

But this has nothing to do with a music lesson or about learning to make clothing out of drapes. This actually has to more to do with the elementary song of “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”  I had the first two steps in order. But coming to the final step of receiving the blessings of a baby is what this whole blog post is all about. There, I’ve warned you and you can stop reading now if you don’t want any more info then that, but I have a feeling that I only have a bunch of lovely friends and family that read this so moving on…

Landon and I were happy married back on a beautiful day in April 2007. I finished up my last year of college and was blessed with a job teaching second grade in Shelley, ID. But the thing Landon and I were most happy for was the fact that we now had a steady income and good health insurance. We could now start trying for a family. It felt right, it felt like the correct thing to do, and so we crossed our fingers and made the leap into the scary unknown of unprotected sex.

I look back at that moment and laugh a bit at how naive we were at the time. Maybe it’s the fact that getting pregnant seems so easy because of all the girls in high school that had sex that ‘one’ time and POOF! A baby.  Or all the warnings that are screamed across the ADs of the need to protect yourself. Or all the couples around us that only had to ‘try’ for two months and the miracle of life was given to them. Or all the ‘opps'-honeymoon-babies’. I’m not trying to sound angry or bitter, because I’m not anymore, but for the first six months I was VERY frustrated at the situation. Maybe this will help another friend in this situation, or maybe this is more for myself, but I do feel like I need to explain my feelings and all the steps that happened in the past two years. Bear with me, or take this as your second warning to just stop reading now…hahaha.

So then I started reading everything I could online about tips and odds about getting pregnant online. It was always about the timing of things and how the odds are typically not in your favor even if the timing is correct. That only 20% of couples will become pregnant in the first month of trying. I tried rationalizing everything. I was relying on my logic and kept appealing to, ‘it has to be this month’. I think I was so focused on it that I even caused myself to start having fake pregnancy symptoms. There was more then once that I had to use a pregnancy test because I was so sure. I even went to the doctor’s office once. But after about six months I hit a wall.

Even recalling those emotions really gets to me now. I was so upset and scared. My own mother went through the struggle of bringing children into the world. I didn’t want that. I LOVE kids, how could this happen to me! And the longer time went on, I felt like the outside pressure from everyone was building. Family, friends, ward members, people at work, people we just meet, anyone really; they would ask when we were going to start a family. I realize now that most did it out of love and the desire for us to be happy. But some people really hurt our feelings. It’s more of a sensitive subject then I ever realized. I’ve even had an uncle call Landon and I out on the fact that we haven’t started a family. He asked us when, and since I’ve never come up with a decent response to such a hard question I simply said, “I don’t know.” And then he went on about how we need to follow the Lord’s council and bring children into this world. He didn’t say it out right, but I knew that he was basically saying that we were selfish for delaying such a blessing in our lives. There are so many things I wish I could go back and say to him, but I emotionally retreat into silence when I’m so upset and hurt. Anyways…

It took me another three months to personally realize that this problem is bigger then me and accept that fact. So after nine months of trying, I finally went in to my doctor to admit that we were struggling to become pregnant. I love that woman so much. Most doctors won’t even talk about infertility problems until a couple has gone longer then a year without success. But I feel that she could sense my pain and she also knew about my mom’s struggles as well. Plus the doctor herself struggled with getting pregnant. So with all of these reasons, she wanted to start testing different possible causes. I went through different blood tests to test my insulin levels (normal), my thyroid (normal), and my hormone levels (not quite as normal as they would hope). My progesterone levels aren’t as high as they normally would like to see. I really feel like birth control messed up my hormones because my cycles before marriage were perfectly timed. But ever since I stop…well….they have been off by a week or two.

This might be a good time to point out that after looking back over the past two years, I totally went through the five steps of acceptance. Which in most cases they use for cancer victims when they need to accept death, but it totally fit for me as well. I needed to come to an acceptance of my infertility and I was only on step three…

The Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial 
2. Anger 
3. Bargaining 
4. Depression 
5. Acceptance 

They also say that these steps don’t have to go in the correct order, or that you can go back and revisit a step more then once. And I have to say that most of the time I bounced around between denial, anger, and depression. Bargaining only really happened when I was going to the doctor’s office once an month for about four months before our insurance stop covering all the blood test. Extra money ran out and I had to sit back and do nothing. It was a real low point for me, but I’m thankful for it. It was my way of being hit over the side of the head. Finally after trying to doing it by myself, or using the doctor for help, I stopped long enough to realize how stupid I had been! Yes, Landon and I had been praying about our desire for children, but I had never really tried to rely on the one person who knew how to fix my heartache, my Heavenly Father.

I’ll admit that the next few months were some of the toughest. I sought out a blessing from the priesthood, we started reading our scriptures more faithfully, we began to do better with our prayers as a couple, but nothing happened. I became angry again and simply stopped any form of medication I was on to help my body and I simply pushed the idea of trying out of my head. After a year or so of trying I simply shrugged my shoulders and stated that when it happens it happens. I was done. It obviously was in the Lord’s hands because I wasn’t getting any answers and having things happen my way. ((That’s always a red flag in life when you want things to happen YOUR way)).

And I probably would have still been there, back in denial, but a funny and very odd thing happened to me. I didn’t get my period for two months. I was taking pregnancy tests and they came back week after week negative. So I wasn’t pregnant. But then I did start my period. But it was light, without any cramps, and it last for over two weeks. Very abnormal for my body. I was concerned enough that I finally called into my doctors office who hadn’t heard from in my months. They asked me to come in to meet with the doctor. She wanted me to go in for an ultrasound to see what exactly was going on. To make sure there wasn’t any rips or tears along my uterus lining. Thank-goodness it wasn’t a miscarriage, the thought of that terrified me. And it was actually my friends who have already gone through a miscarriage that have inspired me to share what I’ve gone through so far. Their strength has been a support in the back of my mind. I still need to thank them for posting it on their blog or telling me through email, but it has helped me hearing their stories.

So I went in for an ultrasound, not sure what to expect. My lovely doctor was actually glad that something mild like this had happened so it would give them a reason to check out another part of my body that could cause my infertility. And this way the insurance company would pay for it, instead of being a procedure that just explored. I was nervous of course because if they did find something then it could be potentially serious but on the other hand, at least it would finally give us a reason for our struggles. And it turned out that they did find something abnormal.

Most women should have an upside down pair-shape uterus. Mine was actually more heart shaped with what they call a septum in middle, just like the picture below shows. It can be the cause of infertility and/or miscarriages. I expressed my desire to the doctor that I was ready to start again with the hormone drugs they had given me in the past. I was done with feeling angry and upset. I actually felt better then I had in a long time because I finally had something to explain my problem.

But the doctor told me that she wouldn’t help me get pregnant until I had a surgery to correct my uterus. That the chances of me miscarrying were too high for her to feel comfortable with fixing the problem later. Which I agreed with. I didn’t want to go through that heartache either. But the problem was money. The surgery is very expensive like any surgery is. And we didn’t have that kind of money laying around either.

So once again we put this problem on the back burner. We started going to the temple more often. And it was actually this step that has given me the most comfort and understanding in what is going on. It’s hard to explain, but one of the main blessings I receive from going to the temple is a clarity of my problems from an eternal perspective. The spirit in the temple helps me understand more of the big picture instead of the pain and hurt I’m feeling now. I gained answers that I know Heavenly Father loves me, that he is aware of my heartache, and that we will have our own children someday as well. And that knowledge has made all the difference in my attitude and my acceptance of what has been happening these two years.

Landon and I found a way to pay for this surgery. And we went ahead and scheduled it. I actually had the procedure yesterday on the 23rd of November. I have all of Thanksgiving break to recover and in a few weeks I will meet with the doctor to find out all the details of what happened and where we are to go from here. From what he told Landon in the hospital, the surgery couldn’t have gone better. That it was just what he hoped for. I’m going great as well. I’m still a bit tired and have my pains here and there, but over all I feel good. This doesn’t guarantee that we can have children right away, but it is defiantly a step in the right direction. We feel that we made the correct choice to get this done.

I’m so thankful for all my supportive family members who have helped me out of the past couple of days. For the blessing I received the night before that brought me so much peace and comfort. And I’m in creditably thankful for Landon. He is so amazing with everything he does for me. Very selfless and caring. I couldn’t have found anyone better in the whole world for me. He truly is my better half.

I also hope that this will help anyone else who is going through or will go through this heartache. Know what if you need anyone to talk to, that I’m here. I’ve gone through it and understand how hard it can be. I’ve learned so much and in a way I’m thankful for this time to grow over these past two years. I feel so at peace that I don’t worry anymore. I don’t feel that anger anymore either. Learning to rely on the Lord has been such a blessing through all of this. And I know that I’m not done yet, but hopefully the worst is over. Thank you for reading this. This was probably more benefital to myself then anyone else, but it still feels good to get it out there. I love you all and can feel your support.

-Amanda

“Be Still and Know that I am God.” Psalms 46:10